On Anxiety, Depression and Balance

I’ve been spending a lot of time of late trying to figure out what exactly it is that makes me happy. That might sound like a weird question, but the truth is that it’s just never been a priority. It’s always seemed more important to get a job and earn enough money to pay the rent or to write down the stories that I’m compelled to tell.

Since going freelance, I’ve worked pretty much every hour available to me. I’ve made a little more than I used to make when I had a full-time job, but it actually works out as less once you factor in expenses. Granted, I still paid those expenses anyway because we’re talking about stuff like editing and marketing which I was paying out anyway, but still.

I was looking into moving house recently because the place I live in is too small, and I actually think that a large part of my recent anxiety and depression is because I’m not happy with where I live. And because where I live is also where I work, the problem is only exacerbated. I’m also stuck here for another year because I’m tied into a contract.

It’s not nice to feel trapped somewhere. It’s a little bit like being in jail, especially when you’re working seven days a week just to stay on top of things. But it’s also helped to guide me towards an epiphany.

You see, the way I see it is that I’m stuck here in this poky flat whether I like it or not, and so I might as well spend the time (and serve out my sentence) by working as hard as I can for the rest of this year and saving up as much money as I possibly can. That way, when it’s finally time to move out of here, I’ll have earned some time off to actually enjoy my new place.

So basically, I know I’m not going to have much balance for the next nine months, but then I haven’t had much balance for the last nine months either. And at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and when I’m finally able to move out of this place and into somewhere a little nicer, I’ll have earned a few three-day workweeks. So silver linings and all that…

And on that note, it’s 6:30 PM on a Sunday and so I’d better get back to work…

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